Audio's
Family Guy Lyrics
Peter's Xmas Album
Peter: Guy’s this is great, not only will I be able to put food on the table and pay all my bills, I’ll also be able to finance my Christmas album.
V/O: Sessions presents, a Peter Griffin Christmas. Featuring such standards as.
Peter: *mumbles* everybody, look at the snow in the yard.
V/O: And who could forget.
Peter: I brought these gifts for you, there up in my bum.
V/O: And everyone’s favorite.
Peter: La, la, la, la. La, la, la, la. Look at the bells, look at the bells.
Holy crap, here come Jesus and he doesn’t look to happy.
Merry Christmas Everyone.
The FCC Song
Peter: They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this
Brian: They will make you take a tinkle when you wanna take a piss
Stewie: And they’ll make you call fellatio a trouser friendly kiss
All: It’s the plain situation! There's no negotiation! With the fellows at the freakin' FCC!
Brian: They’re as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups…
Peter: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops
Stewie: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops!
All: Take a tip, take a lesson! you’ll never win by messin’ With the fellas at the freakin’ FCC
Peter: And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing...
You’re gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling…cause you can’t say penis!
So they sent this little warning they’re prepared to do there worst
Brian: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be co-erced
Stewie: I can think of quite another place they should have stuck it first!
All: They may just be neurotic, or possible psychotic
They’re the fellas at the freakin FCC!
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You've Got A Lot To See.
Brian: The sixties brought the hippie breed,
And decades later, things have changed indeed,
We lost the values, but we kept the weed,
You've got a lot to see.
The Reagan years have laid the frame,
For movie stars to play the White House game,
We're not too far from voting Feldman Haim,
You've got a lot to see.
The town of Vegas has got a different face,
Cause it's a family place with lots to do,
Where in the fifties, a man could mingle with scores,
Of all the seediest whores, well now his children can too.
You heard it from the canine's mouth,
The country's changed, that is except the South, and you'll agree,
No one really knows my dear lady friend, just quite how it all will end,
So hurry cause you've got a lot to see.
The baldness gene was a cause for dread,
But that's a fear that you can put to bed,
They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head,
You've got a lot to see.
The PC age has moved the bar,
A word like redneck is a step too far,
The proper term is country music star,
You've got a lot to see.
Our flashy cell phones make people mumble gee wiz,
Look how important he is His life must rule,
You'll get a tumor, but on your surgery day,
The doc will see it and say, wow you must really be cool.
Tom: There's lots of things you may have missed
Mayor West: Like Pee Wee and his famous wrist
Cleveland: Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye
Neil: That awesome Thunder Cats cartoon
Diane: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon
Meg: Neil Armstrong wait was he that trumpet guy?
Brian: So lets go see the USA,
They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay or Cherokee,
But you can forgive the world and its flaws and follow me there because,
You've still got a hell of a lot to see,
You've got a lot to see.
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Peter's Playhouse Song
come on get up
knock off your napping
it's a crazy messed up place where anything can happen
there's a chair that freakin' talks
hey, look!
there's some fish that give advice
holy crap!
it's screwy in peter's playhouse!
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This House Is Freakin’ Sweet
Servants: We only live to kiss your ass, kiss it? Hell, we'll even wipe it for you. From here on in it's Easy Street
Peter: Any bars on the street?
Butler: 24 happy hours a day.
Peter: Oh boy!
Servants: We'll stop Jehovah's at the gate. Can I see that pamphlet, sir?
Peter: My God, this house is freakin sweet
Cooks: I bake lunch, Clive cooks lunch, each and every day. Chocolate cake a la Blake
Peter: Hundred bucks, Blake is gay
Servants: We'll do the best we can with Meg
Meg: Are you saying I'm ugly?
Maid: It doesn't matter, dear, you're rich now. We'll do your nails and rub you're feet
Lois: Oh that's not neces--Oh, my
Servants: We'll do your homework every night
Chris: It's really hard
Butler: I know, that's why we got that Stephen Hawking guy
Peter: My God, this house is freakin sweet. Used to pass, lots of gas, Lois ran away. Now we've got 30 rooms, hello beans, goodbye spray
Servants: We'd take a bullet just for you
Stewie: Oh, what a coincidence, I've got one
Lois: Stewie!
Servants: Prepare to suck that golden teat. Now that you're stinking rich, we'll gladly be your bitch
Peter: My God, this house is
All: Freakin sweeeeet
Servants: Welcome!
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Road To Rhond Island
(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We're having the time of our lives.
(Stewie) (Take it dog...)
(Brian) We're quite a pair of partners,
Just Like Thelma and Louise.
'cept you're not six feet tall
(Stewie) Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.
(Brian) (Give it time.)
(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island,
We're certainly going in style.
(Brian) I'm with an intellectual, who craps inside his pants.
(Stewie) How dare you. At least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.
(Brian) (Oh, pee jokes)
(Both) We've traveled a bit and we've found,
Like a masochist in Newport we're Rhode Island bound.
((Brian) Crazy travel conditions, huh?
(Stewie) First class or no class
(Brian) Whoa, careful with that joke, it's an antique)
(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We're not going to stop until we're there
(Brian) Maybe for a beer.
(Brian) Whatever dangers we may face, we'll never fear or cry
(Stewie) That's right, until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die. (Please!)
(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island,
The home of that old campus swing.
(Brian) We may pick up some college girls, and picnic on the grass.
(Stewie) We'd tell you more, but we'd have the censors on our ass.
(Brian) (Yikes!)
(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We certainly do get around.
Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims
Who are thrown out of Plymouth colony.
We're Rhode Island bound.
Or like a group of college freshmen
who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown!
We're Rhode Island Bound
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Give Up The Toad
Peter: You'll get chills all through your body,
And you'll lose all control,
Of your bladder and your sphincter,
That's your butt hole.
Cause if you use toad,
Then I'm telling you,
You can kiss your life goodbye.
Yeah, when you use toad,
It'll mess you up,
It'll make your mama cry, that's no lie,
You'll choke on your tongue and die.
Gotta give it up.
Students: Give up the toad now
Peter: It's no joke, buddy, give it up
Students: Gotta give up the toad now
Peter: Or you'll croak, buddy, give it up
Students: Gotta give up the toad now
Peter: And don't smoke or you'll see It hurts to pee.
There'll be blood, gushing from yer,
Every time that you cough,
And forget getting lucky, it falls off.
Yeah, you better wise up, 'cause I'm telling you,
Toad is what Lando forbids.
Gotta give it all up or you're gonna see,
Your whole life will hit the skids and your kids will be born without eyelids.
Gotta give it up.
Students: Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando,
All: Give it up
Brian: Give up the toad now
Students: Thanks to you, Lando,
All: Give it up
Students: Gotta give up the toad now
Peter: I'm no fool, Lando's cool
All: Yeah!
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Stewie: Warm out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today.
(one by one, the guys start playing a song.)
Stewie: met her on my cb
said her name was mimi
sounded like an angel come to earth
but when i went to meet her
man, you shoulda seen her
twice as tall as me, three times the girth
oh, my fat baby loves to eat
a big ol' buddha belly
and her breasts swing past her feet
my fat baby loves to eat
my big ol' fat ass baby loves to eat.
Stewie: I got blisters on me fingers!
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Family Guy Christmas Song
Peter: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. All of us here at Family Guy would like to wish you a Merry Christmas Or a Happy Jew Christmas, depending on your religion
Lois: Peter, it's Chanukah
Peter: Oh, sorry
Chris: [laughs]
Meg: Shut up, Chris! This is supposed to be serious!
Chris: Okay, we've prepared a musical holiday greeting, that we would like to sing for you
Lois: Brian, would you start us off?
Brian: Sure
Stewie: You know, I heard we can say dirty words on this album
Chris: Boobie! Ha ha, I said boobie. Did you hear me? Ha, I said it twice
Brian: Okay, okay, take it easy, you guys [clears throat] Ladies and gentlemen, The lush arrangements of Walter Murphy.
The snow is glistening in the trees
As Christmas carols fill the breeze
And children pray on bended knees
Stewie: Santa Claus, be sure you don't
Screw up my freakin order, please
Brian: Great, thanks for destroying the mood
Chris:Dad, what do you want for Christmas?
Peter: Ah, let's see Britney Spears and Courtney Cox
Wearing nothing, but their socks
Is all I really want for Christmas this year
Brian: Well, that's just not practical
Peter: Plenty of beer and so much scotch
That I hit on my own crotch
Is all I really want for Christmas this year
How about you Lois, what do you want?
Lois: All my flabbin' cellulite surgically uprooted
Then installed in Julia Robert's ass, Ha!
Spending a steamy night between
Kevin and his partner Bean
Giggling as they remove my brassiere
Peter & Lois: Al these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year
Lois: What do you want meg?
Stewie: How about something to remove her Matt Houston moustache
Meg: I want a house in Malibu
And a cure for bacne, too
That's all I really want for Christmas this year
Chris: Eww! You have bacne
Meg: Shut up, Chris!
Peter: Anything else, honey?
Meg: I want a singing navel, Dad
Just like on that Levi's ad
That's all I really want for Christmas this year
Brian: All I can say is, thank God that advertising firm doesn't do tampons
Chris: Now me! There's an evil monkey, who's living in my closet
I just wish he'd go away and die
I want Jillian Barberie, Rubbin' up real close to me
Sayin' dirty, bad things into my ear
Stewie: Oh, she's atrocious
Chris: All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year
Stewie: Well, it's your turn, dog As if anyone gives a two-schilling shit about what you want
Brian: Every year I've prayed and prayed
For a girl who isn't spayed
That's all I really want for Christmas this year
Chris: What does spayed mean?
Peter: Oh, you know, like Melissa Etheridge
Brian: I'd love it if you would not harass me
When I start to chew my ass
That's all I really want for Christmas this year. Your turn, kid
Stewie: Is it awfully much to have
Just one evening weekly
Where there is no cover charge at Rage
Brian: I knew it
Stewie: Knew what? Lois's name I'd love to see
With the letters R.I.P.
She's alive and well, but let's play by ear
All: All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year
Stewie: Oh, dear That high note rather did me in Would somebody please change me?
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Family Guy Theme
Lois: It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV
Peter: But where are those good old-fashioned values...
All: On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a Family Guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us
Stewie: Laugh 'n cry
All: He's a Family Guy
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You Do
Stewie: Five, Six, Seven Eight. Who's got the greatest gal around?
Olivia: You do! Who's got the sweetest man in town?
Stewie: You do!
Olivia: Who's got a guy who makes her smile all day?
Stewie: By the way, I'm not so bad to look at either
Olivia: Who's got a guy with lots of brains?
Stewie: You do! Who's got a girl who loves chow mein?
Olivia: You do!
Stewie: Who's got the greatest love in the world?
Olivia: You do!
Stewie: And you do!
Both: Thank goodness I've got you
Olivia: Who's got a guy to tell her jokes?
Stewie: You do! Who's got a girl to show her folks?
Olivia: You do!
Stewie: Who's got a girl he'd like to one day undress?
Olivia: Give it a rest I told you you not until we're married
Stewie: Who's got a gal with all the snazz?
Olivia: Who's got the fella with pizzazz?
Stewie: You do! Who's got the greatest love in the world?
Olivia: You do!
Stewie: And you do!
Both: Thank goodness I've got you
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Hic-A-Doo-La
All: I'm gonna grab my girl and head to the beach
Hic-A-Doo-La
We're gonna all hang ten and maybe then
Hic-A-Doo-La
Boys: Cause I'm a Hic-A-Doo-La boy
Girls: And I'm a Hic-A-Doo-La girl
All: And together it is a Hic-A-Doo-La world
Hic-A-Doo-La
Chris: Mr. Quagmire, what does Hic-A-Doo-La mean?
All: What does Hic-A-Doo-La mean?!?
Boy #1: Well, Hic-A-Doo-La's that special feeling you get
When you hold hands with your best gal
Girl #1: It's cheering real loud for the home team
Boy #2: It's catchin the perfect wave
Captain: It's obeying all the rules
All: No Way!
Quagmire: Hey, are we in Tiananmen cause I see a square.
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Pocket Full Of Miracles
Stewie: I've got my top hat and cane
And a pocket full of miracles
Pocket full of miracles
Pocket full of miracles
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Life Of The Wife
Eliza: The life of the wife
Is ended by the knife
Stewie: I think she's got it!
I think she's got it!
Eliza: The life of the wife
Is ended by the knife
Stewie: By George, she's got it!
By George, she's got it!
Now, what ends her wretched life?
Eliza: The knife!
The knife !
And where's that bloody knife?
Eliza: In the wife!
In the wife!
Both: The life of the wife
Is ended by the knife
Stewie: Bravo, Eliza!
Both: The life of the wife
Is ended by the knife
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American Dad
Theme Song Lyrics:
Stan: Good morning, USA!
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day!
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face!
And he's shinin' a salute to the American race!
Oh boy, it's swell to saaay!
Good morning, USA!
(Good morning, USA!)
-----------------------------------
Saudi Arabia.
Stan: And I say Saudi Arabia is the greatest country in the world.
Francine: Greatest country in the world?
We packed our bags, we hoped a plane, we left our happy home.
Stan: Uh, Francine singing is kind of illegal here.
Francine: The culture seemed a bit insane, but you said “Hey, when in Rome?”
Stan: Seriously Francine, ix-nay on the inging-nay.
Francine: Maybe you’ve got no reason to complain, but I’ve got no Y chromosome.
So here’s what I don’t like about Saudi Arabia. Hit it!
You can’t go out unless you are escorted by a man,
And when you do, you come home with a butt crack full of sand.
No alcohol, no rum and cokes and no don perrione,
At least a girl can have a smoke.
Man: Not on Ramadan.
Francine: Oh, it’s a land of joy, if you are a boy,
But if you are a girl, it’s the worst place in the world.
Stan: Okay Francine we get it.
Francine: Oh, but I’m just getting started.
American girls we do palates, starve ourselves until we’re hotties,
Why? Because we like our bodies, check me out you uptight Saudi’s.
Oh it’s so awfully grand.
Stan: Come on Francine stop singing.
Francine: If you are a man.
Stan: I’m only back up singing.
Francine: If you don’t take me home soon Stan, I think I’m gonna hurl.
It’s the worst place in the world.
Stan: I started this point system and she’s way behind.
Francine: I only want to see the world in exploring social lives,
But in this town I can’t so much as look at other guys,
‘Cause if I did, they’d call me harlot, whore, adulteress,
I bet my last re’al you fellas won’t approve of this.
Who wants a kiss?
It’s great if your from Mars, but not if your from Venus,
If you wanna drive a car, you better have a penis,
So if you’ve got a vagina.
Man: Ooh!
Francine: A vulva.
Man: Eee!
Francine: A clitoris.
Man: What is a clitoris? *Stan shrugs shoulders*
Francine: And a labia. *To the camera* You see where I’m going with this.
Stay the hell away from Saudi Arabia.
Man: WHORE! *Francine is thrown into a transportable jail cell*
Francine: STAN! *Stan looks on in silence, end scene.*
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Songs from Stannie Get Your Gun.
Hayley: Hey kids listen to this.
Guns make, holes in your body,
Through which you can’t potty,
Just your blood and guts spill out.
Bambi’s mom, could still munch grass,
Tu-pac would be tapping ass,
If you hate guns.
Scream and shout.
Everybody.
Stan: Thank you, that was, “Susie Shot A Unicorn.”
Hayley: Look kids it’s snowing.
Stan: Hey Santa.
I wasn’t naughty all year long, I was mostly really nice.
Hayley: Didn’t kick the dog much, or give my brother lice.
Both: So don’t bring me no red rubber ball,
Don’t want no Game Boy at all,
I want a gun, for Christmas.
Hayley: Listen to me Santa, I ain’t playing around.
Stan: Got Mrs Clause right by my side, she is gagged and bound.
Both: If you want to see her again, better leave me a brand new Mag 10,
I want a gun, for Christmas.
Stan: This is a song my daughter wrote.
Gun’s make holes in your body,
Through which you can’t potty,
Just your blood and guts spill out.
Both: Bambi’s mom, could still munch grass,
Tu-pac would be tapping ass,
If you hate guns.
Scream and shout.
_____________________________
Not The Worse Place In The World
Stan: But you know I will admit, America’s got it’s flaws.
Steve: Really Dad? Like what?
Stan: Well there’s…. free speech and there’s gun control and lousy democrats,
The neediest liberal and everyone’s too fat,
The women have careers and form opinions of their own,
We let our wives control our lives,
Francine:Damn it’s good to be home.
All: Our life’s not always great,
In these United States,
But remember boys and girls,
It’s not the, worst, place, in, the, world.
Steve: It’s not the worse place in the world, yeah, yeah.
Roger: Oh and err, what happens in Saudi Arabia, stays in Saudi Arabia. Okay? Seriousl
.__________________________________
I Want A Wife
Stan: Damn it, if Francine had been here, she could have started a wave of laughter, laughter is infectious like, small pox or 'cay. She wants to be equal partners, then I say no way.
I don't want a partner I want a wife,
Someone whose happy taking care of my life.
Where's my Edith Bunker, Laura Petry, Wilma Flintstone,
Edith: I would never let Archie go to a party alone.
Stan: I want to go back, to a simpler time,
When men were men and women had no say.
Attend to love, honour and obey.
I want to be greeted, with a massage and a martini,
The way master was by his Genie.
I don't buy this independance and doing your own thing,
I want a woman, to make me feel like a king.
This ship is sinking and I'm swimming for my life.
I don't want a partner. Damn it! I want, a wife.
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